Going from Childless to Child-full: Getting Our First Placement

Months of work finally worked out for us: we were now officially licensed foster parents. Now all we had to do was wait for them to place kids with us.

And wait.

Realistically it was only a month and a week or so after we got licensed that we finally got our first placement, but it felt a lot longer than that. Especially since things were gearing up for Christmas and were trying to decide if we needed to plan on having kids with us for Christmas or not.

It was just another ordinary day. I was working on a Christmas stocking for Andrew, it was my Christmas present for him that year, and I was hiding my crafting project at a friend's house so he wouldn't catch on. After taking Andrew to work, I drove to my friend's house to continue working on the stocking. We visited and then she and her toddler went to go do nap time and I went to get to work. Just as I was getting started, my phone started to ring. 

"Hello?"

I don't remember everything said, but we had been recommended to care for two little boys that were in need of a placement. The woman on the other line told me a bit about them and the case and I asked her if she minded if I called my husband to talk to him about it really quick. She said that was fine and I promised that I could call her right back to let her know either way.

I think I opened that phone call with "Hey, Andrew, do you want to have some kids?" I was breathless and my heart was racing and my mind was everywhere at once. Andrew slowed me down, I told him everything that I knew, and when neither of us felt bad about the decision, we decided "Why not?"

So I called her back. And she asked me, "Can you come right now?" So I left my sewing project, hurried upstairs to inform my friend that I was going to get two little boys RIGHT NOW. She gave me a box of fruit snacks for them and I got in my car (which I suddenly wished I had cleaned it out better the day before) and drove to go pick them up.

It was no longer just another ordinary day. Suddenly I was smiling at two little boys that were going to be living with me until they got to go back home, reassuring their grandmother that they were going to be alright, and getting booster seats from their case worker so I could take them home with me. They had a big bag full of stuff, I'd be getting more from their grandmother later. We packed it all in the car, buckled up two little boys, and I started driving home. 

With two kids in the back seats.

Weird.

When we got home, I helped them put their things away in the dresser, helped them make their beds, and soon it was time to go pick Andrew up from work. We went and got him. I thought how weird that must be for him, to come out to the car and see two kids in the back seat that weren't there when I dropped him off that morning.

We got pizza on our way home and watched a movie together that night until, around 8:11, the older of the two told us he was tired. They didn't have a normal bedtime routine before they came to  us, so I got to make it up on the spot and try to figure things out.

Then they were in bed and we were downstairs and THERE WERE KIDS IN OUR HOUSE. I went to bed happier that night than I had been in a long time. The next few weeks I enjoyed the honeymoon stage with the boys, feeling so fulfilled at the end of each day and warm and happy.

That was the day we went from childless to child-full all at once, in a whirlwind that left me breathless. I haven't caught my breath since, and I'm still just making things up as I go.

The case has been going pretty well, and although the honeymoon stage has worn off (I go to bed a little more exhausted now, and sometimes frustrated, sometimes hurt, sometimes sad, but sometimes still happy and sometimes still feeling very fulfilled) I still know that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing.

Isn't it crazy? How life can change everything in an instant like that?

I am a foster mom now, and Andrew is a foster dad now. We're parents.

And our lives will definitely never be the same again.

Chore Reward System

Background:

We had been struggling with the boys on getting them to do their chores. "Mr. K, can you please work on your chores?" "No, thanks. I don't want to do my chores today." "That's not really an option. Remember how it's a house rule that you need to help out with your chores?" "I don't want to do them." It was a frustrating battle day in and out. So Andrew and I held a family council and prayed over what to do. And an answer came to me.

Our answer may not work for everyone, but it has absolutely floored me how well that it has been working for us. As in, within three months, they didn't finish their chores 7 times. Three of those times it was because their chore reward from the day before was no chores, and at least once it was because we were gone all day. So, basically, that makes three days out of three months that they didn't do their chores. If the days get too crazy once a month for boys to get chores done, I can handle that. This has worked INFINITELY better for us than the daily struggle it was before.

Our Answer (The Chore Reward System):

While we were talking, I suddenly remembered something my third grade teacher used to do. Occasionally, I don't remember what we did to earn it, we got to pick a clover off of the wall. They had things like "5 extra minutes of recess" or "Eat lunch in the classroom today" or "Better luck next time" on them. We LOVED picking them! I realized this could work as a chore reward system (although we don't have "better luck next time" as a chore reward).

We broke it into groups:

Weekday Chore Rewards, ones we could do on a school night during the week or on Saturdays when we had something going on, such as the boys going to visit their grandma.

Saturday Chore Rewards, ones we could do when we had more time as a family to do something fun.

Lastly, More Expensive Chore Rewards: these were the "rare" chore rewards where we could budget to do something fun as a family. These were only possible to draw on Saturdays, because ONE Saturday would have a "pick a (pot of gold, or whatever object we used for it that month)" and we had more chore rewards in each category than were possible to draw. So far, two of the three months we have done the expensive chore reward. This month it didn't get drawn.

The Chore Rewards for April. The Easter Eggs are the regular weekday chore rewards, the bunnies are the weekday chore rewards, and the Easter Baskets were the expensive chore rewards. I made them all visually different so that the boys would know which ones they could pick. The chocolate bunny was because we had something special planned one of the days of this month and it could only get picked on a specific day (one of the boys' birthdays).

I have done different visuals each month to make it less of an eyesore for them to just be on a wall in my house.

For March: Three Leaf Clovers, Four Leaf Clovers, Pots of Gold
April: Easter Eggs, Easter Bunnies, Easter Baskets
May: Raindrops, Clouds, Umbrellas
June: Flowers, Birds, Sunshines

How can we afford to do this? Simple. I adapted the chore reward system to us in particular, making use of things we could go and do for little or free. For example, the boys have Pass of All Passes, so we put Trafalga in as a Saturday chore reward. We have fun kids board games, so we will let them pick which one we all play together that night. Super fun for the boys and free for us. Awesome! Plus it helps us make sure we are scheduling time together as a family to do fun things. On top of that, I just made a budget for it. I would write out all of the chore rewards before the month they would be in and then write down how expensive they would be and then budgeted for them.

The catch with this system is that in order for us to do some of the chore rewards, we have to have enough time before bedtime. So we set a hard time limit that, if they aren't done by that time exactly they don't get to get a chore reward that day. That helps them with not dilly-dallying about doing their chores; they want to get them done in time! Also, the first person that is done with their chores is the one that gets to pick the reward off of the wall. Everyone who finishes their chores within the time limit gets to have the reward, but only the first person done gets to pick the actual reward off of the wall.

Really quick I'll give you what we do for chores and then list a sample of chore rewards for those of you that may be seeking ideas.

Chores:

I made chore charts for the boys using charts I found online for age-appropriate chores for their specific ages. I adapted things each month to come up with a system that works for us.

For us, the boys have every day chores, weekly chores, and "Ask Liz" chores. For their everyday chores, it's things like picking up their clothes and toys, making their beds, and reading/going to school/doing homework. Each week they also switch off who helps clean and set the table and who helps feed the cats for the rest of that week on their daily chores. Their weekly chores are things that only need to happen once a week. For example, I give them a cleaning wipe and they clean off their toilet seat in the bathroom that only they use, or they help with vacuuming their bedroom and the stairs (I have a small handheld vacuum for the 5-year-old; he helps with the stairs).

Their "Ask Liz" chores have adapted a lot. It used to be something I planned out ahead of time, but I have changed it to something where they have to come up to me and ask me for another chore. I look around me, find something that needs to be done that day (like helping water the plants, using glass wipes to clean the bathroom mirrors, or playing upstairs quietly until lunch time to give me a moment to recollect my sanity).

Overall, they have six chores every day, six days of the week (we don't do chores on Sunday in our house).

The one disadvantage to this is I have to constantly be helping them figure out what their next chore is and then checking them off, which makes it harder for me to get my own stuff done. But hey. They are learning how to help out around the home. I am raising boys that will help their wives at home, and if that means the dishes have to wait until they are in bed, I can deal with that.

Chore Reward Ideas:

Regular Chore Rewards:
(With some of these we do multiples. For example, we might have four Regular Chore Rewards that have "Make a Treat Together" on them, but we only have one option for "No Chores Tomorrow". Find whatever works for you.)

- Ten minutes of a video or computer game
- Play a board game together (Your choice)
- $__ Allowance (we have switched between $1 or $2 - we took them to a toy store before this, too, to help them find something they wanted to save up for)
- Piece of Candy (we still have candy left over from Easter)
- Pick a candy bar from the store (we limit them to $1 each)
- Make a treat together
- No Chores Tomorrow!
- Ice Cream / Rootbeer Floats
- Story time! (the boys were not a fan of this one, so we cut it out since we were doing reading with them as a chore anyway)
- Craft time
- Pick one chore not to do tomorrow (The boys didn't like this one, strangely enough. They're an all-or-nothing bunch, I suppose. We figured with the no chores tomorrow they didn't get to pick a clover that day, but with this one it got them one chore closer to picking a chore reward.)


Saturday Chore Rewards:
(We always do more possible rewards on this than there are weekends, that way it isn't guaranteed that we will do the expensive chore reward. You are free to do differently in your own home.)

- $0.50 Allowance per Regular Chore Reward earned this week, $5 if all possible Chore Rewards were earned.
- Pick an expensive chore reward
- Go to Trafalga
- Go to Kangaroo Zoo
- Outdoor Scavenger Hunt
- Feed ducks at the park
- Go out for a treat (we took them to Purple Turtle for a milkshake when we got this one)

Expensive Chore Rewards:
(Again, make sure you budget for this and plan ahead so it's something you could really go do together as a family. It's our way of fitting a family outing into our schedules once a month. We only have two per month for them to choose one of, but I will list several of the options that we have done.)

- Nickle City
- Bowling
- Color-Me-Mine
- Go to the Rec. Center
- Go out to the movies
- Classic Skating

And Then There Were Cats

Early on in our marriage, Andrew knew we were going to end up with a cat. He wasn't really sold on the whole plural cats thing, but he was willing to get A cat, at least. He's not a big animal person in general, but since I grew up with animals and was set on at least getting a cat, he conceded. We just had to wait until we were in a pet-friendly place.

When we were getting to the point where we were getting ready to graduate and get a house, I was finally able to start kitten shopping.

My mom & step-dad's cat "Mama Kitty" gave birth to Ayah on April 17th and I immediately made it known that she was going to be my kitten. Due to an accident before her birth, all of the kittens were stillborn except for her. I named her Ayah, which is Arabic for miracle, to commemorate her special story. 

Baby Ayah - April 26, 9 days old

I had teased Andrew about having two cats long before we chose to get Ayah, but he was never big on the idea.  The conversation had ended there. However, the idea was still stuck in my head. I had been browsing for fun at the pet store while waiting to hand over the keys to our apartment when I saw Meg and her sister. I LOVE Calico cats and immediately decided I had to get one. I started pestering Andrew more persistently about getting another kitten to help Ayah when she came home to us. Andrew still wasn't really sold on it but I finally talked him into it. (He's glad we have two cats now, because they play with each other and demand less of his attention than when we had just one).

Baby Meg - May 22, Almost 5 Weeks Old

We brought Meg home on May 23rd after Andrew had some time to sleep on the idea. Because it cost money to adopt her from the pet store, Andrew basically told me that she was counting as my birthday present. Happy birthday to me (two months early)! After a few days, Andrew came up with the name of Megara for her - we call her Meg for short.

Bonus for Meg: we brought her home the day before she turned 5 weeks old, and she was already super litter trained! This made me very happy.

According to Meg's approximate date of birth that the pet store gave me (they found her and her siblings abandoned when she was about a week old), Ayah is two days older than Meg is. She's smaller, though, which I think has a lot to do with who their parents are. Mama Kitty is a petite, small cat.

On May 30th, I picked Ayah up from my mom's house and we brought her home. She and Meg hissed and spat at each other and threw their own little fits about each other. However, they also followed each other around because they were curious and Meg wanted a playmate.

Ayah & Meg following each other around & fighting

After a few days of sleeping in separate rooms and only seeing each other when they were supervised, they finally got over the strangeness of the other and became friends.

Ayah grooming Meg

Also, in case you were wondering, kittens get big fast!! These pictures show Ayah at 3 weeks old and at 11 weeks old. Basically, this is how much she grew in just 8 weeks!

Ayah at 11 weeks old

Ayah at 3 Weeks Old

Side Note: My cats are my pets, not my fur babies. I am not their mom, I am their owner/human. I love them, but not in the same way - they don't fill the role of a baby, nor will they ever. I respect your opinion if you think of your pets as your fur babies; I hope you respect mine.

An Update on Our Lives

So it's been a while since we've really given people an update on what's going on in our lives. This is mostly because life has been very full and busy with school for both of us. But here's a brief update on how things are going in our lives:

Andrew and I have started working as ordinance workers at the Mt. Timpanogos temple! We are both out of training now and serve as full-fledged ordinance workers. It's been a wonderful experience for us!

Andrew got a full-time salary job working for the Church at Family Search located in Orem! :) It's been a huge blessing for us.

We got to attend my little sister's mission call opening! She will be serving in Chile in the Viña del Mar mission and will be speaking Spanish. I am super excited for her!

We are both in our last semesters of college! We will be graduating May 1st. Both of us will be graduating with our Bachelor degrees with Magna Cum Laude honors. Andrew is registered to walk with me so that we only have to attend one graduation convocation. We went with him walking with me because it was at a better time and we assume it's the smaller of the two schools (meaning, hopefully, a shorter ceremony!)



After graduation, Andrew will be continuing to work for the Church at Family Search. I am planning to stay at home and not really seek employment so that I'll be ready to be a stay-at-home mom and home keeper. We are planning on finally meeting with an infertility specialist in May when we can both give it our full attention and each other our full support without being distracted and/or stressed by school. We are also hoping to start the process to buy our first home and then, once it's finally furnished and ready, we plan on starting our journey as Foster Care parents.

Other than that, life has just been plugging along one day at a time! :) Marriage and life have both been treating us really well, and aside from being very disenchanted from school right now, we are very happy.

Done and Not Done - A Graduation Tale

Earlier this month I finished my Associates Degree finally and graduated!! (If you couldn't guess, this is the DONE!! part! Yay!) Andrew and I both did really well that semester!! I got another 4.0, and Andrew had all A's (2 were A-)! I'm super proud of him!! :-)

 

My Mom, Step-Dad, Grandma, and 5 of my 11 Siblings

It was so nice to be done and celebrate my accomplishments with my family. I especially appreciated all of the efforts they all made to be there! My mom had to get up super early to make it, since my graduation started at 8 AM.

My Two Beautiful Moms :)

After the graduation ceremony, we went over to my Mother-in-Law's house for lunch. She made her amazing chicken salad sandwiches and her coworker made some amazing brownies for me!

My Mom & Step-Dad Jason

 It was a wonderful accomplishment for me to finish my Associates Degree, especially since originally I was planning on being done with my Associates Degree...

Me & My "Snuggly Haired Grandma"
That was what I called her all my childhood

Three Generations :-)

This is where the "Not Done" comes in.







Andrew and I talked about it, and I'm going to be getting my Bachelor's Degree. I knew this already when graduating with my Associates Degree, but I felt like I should walk anyway and prove to myself that those semesters of working my tush off actually was going toward something. It was worth it, if only to celebrate with my family.

My Super Awesome Little Sister!!

I'm going to be getting my Bachelor's in Behavioral Science with an emphasis in Family Studies. When I get my Bachelor's Degree, I'll have pretty much everything done to become a Certified Family Life Educator. There are just a lot of classes for that degree that I want to take before I finish and we start Foster Care and everything.






In other exciting news, this super awesome little sister of mine is going to be moving in with us for a while! (A while means however long until she gets to go to the MTC after she gets her papers in & everything). This is so she can get a job up here and save up for a mission. It's going to be pretty awesome!




We had one week off from school after my graduation, then we started Summer Semester. Andrew will be struggling through Calc 2 after 8 years of no math. He's a little panicked over it, but we both believe that he can pass.

I'm a little burnt out after last semester, but I'm still going to do my best this semester and that's all anyone can really ask of me! (Is  it considered my best if I'm currently procrastinating doing some homework to write this post? Hmm...)

Hope all is well with you!

With Love,
The Christiansens

No Longer Trying - Leaving it in the Hands of God

Thank you all for your love and concern that has followed my open and honest post concerning our current infertility. It has been a hard thing for us, and I appreciate that you all have responded so understandingly and lovingly.

Recently, I was put on Clomid for a couple of cycles, and although I know I could continue it still, we are choosing, for now, temporarily, to stop trying. Before I get bombarded with "Don't give up!" and other encouraging words, let me explain why we have decided this.

During the two cycles of Clomid, I received answers in a couple of blessings. One was a blessing Andrew was given at the beginning of the school semester. In the blessing, he was blessed to be there for "his sweet wife" and to help me through the disappointments that would be ahead of us. With those words, I knew that the Clomid was not going to work this round; namely, I was not going to get pregnant. I was not surprised when my period started. During the next round, I asked Andrew to give me, along with my Step-Dad Jason, a healing blessing. Partially to help with my cold at the time, but mostly to heal my body and let the Clomid help me get pregnant. However, the blessing I asked for was not quite the blessing I received. I was promised that I WOULD receive the great desire of my heart, and that eventually all of the efforts I was making to get pregnant would pay off. Andrew and I both walked away from that experience knowing that it was not going to work this round either, and that was when I started entertaining the thought of no longer trying.

What Do I Mean By "Not Trying"?
This does NOT mean that we will be using contraceptives again. I will even still be taking prenatal fertility vitamins. This DOES mean, however, that I am going to box up my fertility monitor, my OPKs (Ovulation Prediction Kits - like pregnancy tests, but they tell you if you're ovulating or not), my pregnancy books, and basically everything else. No more charting, worrying about whether or not I'm ovulating, etc. The only "exceptions" will be the prenatal fertility vitamins and keeping track of when my periods are starting to see how long my cycles are. That is it.

Why, after two years of trying, would I choose to suddenly stop?
Well, during my reflection, I realized that not all of the changes that I had made since I started TTC were good. For a while, I had started focusing on what I didn't have yet (a baby) and wasn't concentrating as much as I should have on what I already have (a wonderful husband). I even caught myself murmuring about it with my friends, which must have been very uncomfortable for them... Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of spiritual growth and learned some VERY valuable lessons during this time, and I wouldn't take back any of this difficult trial. But I need to focus on the blessings I have already received rather than mourn because I have not yet received one particular blessing.

Additionally, I have been doing the Clomid, the fertility monitor, and so on, and I'm still not pregnant. Every time I ask for a blessing on it, the answer is always, "I have promised this to you, I always keep my promise" and so on. God just reassures me over and over to not worry about it, that it will happen. If my efforts have thus far gotten me nowhere, but God has already promised me that it's going to happen, why should I be worrying and trying to make it happen? I'm still going to do the prenatal fertility vitamins because I want to be healthy in case I do get pregnant while "not trying", but other than that, I think I can trust God and leave it up to Him. It's never been about me or my timing anyway.

So, consequently, I decided that something had to change. I decided that I needed to stop worrying and stressing over things that I don't have any control over (I can't MAKE myself get pregnant) and instead focus on what I do have control over. Namely, getting in better shape, enhancing my marriage and trying to actually enjoy this period that we have without children rather than let it pass by waiting for the next big thing. I don't want to look back on my marriage, some years in the future, and regret wasting my life worrying about the future and not living in the present.


I can't guarantee that this change will be easy for me. We aren't giving up, and we still want to have children together. There are definitely days still that are hard and it hurts because I want a baby. I know that Andrew really will have a hard time with this change, because he also REALLY wants a baby, and I don't know if he will be able to mentally step away from that at all and stop worrying about it. Honestly, I think he's had a harder time with this than I have; he's just quieter about it and doesn't talk about it as openly as I do. But we're going to try. We're going to try to stop trying and leave it all in the hands of God. He's been the one in charge this entire time anyway.

Exciting Times!

We have had some exciting times lately in our little Christiansen Home :)

First off, the absolutely most exciting news: one of my lifelong dreams is going to be fulfilled in April! I have the wonderful opportunity of singing in the April General Conference during the Saturday Afternoon session! The Orem Institute of Religion is directed by Ryan Eggett, who is PHENOMENAL! Additionally, we have the largest institute in Utah, and so we will be able to be performing on our own! Saying that I am excited is a bit of an understatement. I feel so honored and blessed to be a part of this. It's also intimidating, since we will be performing for, oh, approximately 4-10 million people... It will be worth it knowing that I am singing for my family, friends, and my Savior, though, and luckily I (usually) don't really get stage fright all that badly.

For Valentine's Day, Andrew and I created our own little retreat to "get away" from school and chores by renting a hotel, going out to dinner, and then going out to breakfast the next morning just before going to go see The Lego Movie. We saved up for this, and even though it was kind of expensive, it was so nice to just get away for the weekend! Andrew got me a miniature white rose bush and a bag of my favorite jelly beans for Valentines :) (in case you're wondering, it's green pear). I got him the next expansion for The Lord of the Rings Card Game, and we played all night. (At least, it felt that way, especially when I couldn't sleep at 3 AM so we got up and continued playing).

We have also decided that I am going to take Summer Semester classes, so Andrew and I will both be graduating with our Bachelor's Degrees at the same time next year (April 30th). This is a huge thing, and I am excited to be done with school! I am also feeling a bit overwhelmed looking at the classes that I have to take coming up, such as my Advanced Research class... I am confident that I can handle it, but I am also confident that I am probably going to get burnt out before I've finished. This current semester is one of my hardest, since I am taking 15 credits of core classes, without any P.E. or dance classes to make it more fun. Andrew has only 4 classes he has to take after this semester, but unfortunately is going to have to drag it out in two (or three, if he decides to do summer semester) semester.

That is pretty much it, honestly. Other than that, we are trekking through school and trying to make sure we pass our classes!
Love you all!
- Elizabeth