No Longer Trying - Leaving it in the Hands of God

Thank you all for your love and concern that has followed my open and honest post concerning our current infertility. It has been a hard thing for us, and I appreciate that you all have responded so understandingly and lovingly.

Recently, I was put on Clomid for a couple of cycles, and although I know I could continue it still, we are choosing, for now, temporarily, to stop trying. Before I get bombarded with "Don't give up!" and other encouraging words, let me explain why we have decided this.

During the two cycles of Clomid, I received answers in a couple of blessings. One was a blessing Andrew was given at the beginning of the school semester. In the blessing, he was blessed to be there for "his sweet wife" and to help me through the disappointments that would be ahead of us. With those words, I knew that the Clomid was not going to work this round; namely, I was not going to get pregnant. I was not surprised when my period started. During the next round, I asked Andrew to give me, along with my Step-Dad Jason, a healing blessing. Partially to help with my cold at the time, but mostly to heal my body and let the Clomid help me get pregnant. However, the blessing I asked for was not quite the blessing I received. I was promised that I WOULD receive the great desire of my heart, and that eventually all of the efforts I was making to get pregnant would pay off. Andrew and I both walked away from that experience knowing that it was not going to work this round either, and that was when I started entertaining the thought of no longer trying.

What Do I Mean By "Not Trying"?
This does NOT mean that we will be using contraceptives again. I will even still be taking prenatal fertility vitamins. This DOES mean, however, that I am going to box up my fertility monitor, my OPKs (Ovulation Prediction Kits - like pregnancy tests, but they tell you if you're ovulating or not), my pregnancy books, and basically everything else. No more charting, worrying about whether or not I'm ovulating, etc. The only "exceptions" will be the prenatal fertility vitamins and keeping track of when my periods are starting to see how long my cycles are. That is it.

Why, after two years of trying, would I choose to suddenly stop?
Well, during my reflection, I realized that not all of the changes that I had made since I started TTC were good. For a while, I had started focusing on what I didn't have yet (a baby) and wasn't concentrating as much as I should have on what I already have (a wonderful husband). I even caught myself murmuring about it with my friends, which must have been very uncomfortable for them... Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of spiritual growth and learned some VERY valuable lessons during this time, and I wouldn't take back any of this difficult trial. But I need to focus on the blessings I have already received rather than mourn because I have not yet received one particular blessing.

Additionally, I have been doing the Clomid, the fertility monitor, and so on, and I'm still not pregnant. Every time I ask for a blessing on it, the answer is always, "I have promised this to you, I always keep my promise" and so on. God just reassures me over and over to not worry about it, that it will happen. If my efforts have thus far gotten me nowhere, but God has already promised me that it's going to happen, why should I be worrying and trying to make it happen? I'm still going to do the prenatal fertility vitamins because I want to be healthy in case I do get pregnant while "not trying", but other than that, I think I can trust God and leave it up to Him. It's never been about me or my timing anyway.

So, consequently, I decided that something had to change. I decided that I needed to stop worrying and stressing over things that I don't have any control over (I can't MAKE myself get pregnant) and instead focus on what I do have control over. Namely, getting in better shape, enhancing my marriage and trying to actually enjoy this period that we have without children rather than let it pass by waiting for the next big thing. I don't want to look back on my marriage, some years in the future, and regret wasting my life worrying about the future and not living in the present.


I can't guarantee that this change will be easy for me. We aren't giving up, and we still want to have children together. There are definitely days still that are hard and it hurts because I want a baby. I know that Andrew really will have a hard time with this change, because he also REALLY wants a baby, and I don't know if he will be able to mentally step away from that at all and stop worrying about it. Honestly, I think he's had a harder time with this than I have; he's just quieter about it and doesn't talk about it as openly as I do. But we're going to try. We're going to try to stop trying and leave it all in the hands of God. He's been the one in charge this entire time anyway.

The Hardest Thing I Never Thought I'd Face

When I was little, I loved playing with dolls or stuffed animals, and helping them achieve "happily ever afters". This involved meeting their prince charming, getting married, and having children together. Then I would continue the cycle with their children.

I grew up the second out of nine children. I quickly become the super responsible second mother of the household. During Junior High when my mother was on bed rest, I went and picked my youngest two siblings up from daycare every day after school for a while since my mom could not chase them around the house, go home, and run the household up to an extent. I managed the family garden, made the meals, and helped resolve my sibling's conflicts, who came to me saying "LIZA!!!" in the same tattle-telling tone a child normally calls "MOOM!!" I had a hard time connecting to the girls my own age, since I wasn't obsessed over boys, but I connected easily with my Young Women leaders and joined in easily and naturally during their conversations of parenthood.

When my mom had to go to Washington for her grandmother's funeral when I was in high school, I ran the house for an entire week. My dad wasn't home and my older brother was rarely home; it was just me. I learned to take a step into the other room, breathe, and then deal with fighting so that I didn't resort to screaming and spanking (which was very hard sometimes) and because of that, I grew very close to my youngest brother Andrew, who was struggling and taking it out aggressively.

Through it all, I always knew that I was going to be a mom someday. It was my biggest goal, my deepest dream, and I knew that I was going to be a stay at home mom. I had prepared my whole life for it and I wanted it more than I could say.

I met my "Prince Charming" - Andrew - and fell in love with him quickly and easily. We dated, he proposed, we married. I had received a LOT of advice from several people telling me to wait to have kids. That we should focus on our marriage relationship first, build it and strengthen it, and then have kids. "Wait a couple years," they recommended. And, not sure what I was doing, I decided that was probably a good idea. So I used birth control, and I focused just on our marriage, and it was fine. For a little while.

Before two months had even gone by, my husband and I were both prompted very strongly that we needed to start our family. We prayed about it, studied it out in our minds, and then took the answer to God in prayer, and it was confirmed again to both of us. So we stopped. I had been on birth control for less than two months, and I wish I could undo that. I wish we could have started trying from the get-go. Maybe then things would be different.

We were scared at first, yes. But we had faith, and we knew that we were doing what God wanted us to do. My mom never had any problems getting pregnant, so I assumed I never would either. I began studying, learning some things about "trying to conceive". Most couples, I learned, were pregnant within 6 months. As six months came and went, I clung to the next bit of information: the couples that weren't pregnant within 6 months were usually pregnant within a year. Year one came and went.

I became depressed and obsessed over it. I murmured, I complained, I cried. Within this time, I had used over 30 pregnancy tests, and all of them were negative. Those spiteful things, I was beginning to believe, were incapable of actually showing a positive result. A couple of times I was SURE that I was pregnant. Andrew and I got excited, called our moms, and then called back within the next two days when my period started in embarrassment and regret, having to admit to them and ourselves that we were wrong, I wasn't pregnant. The ammenorhea that I got really had me fooled, too. 3 Months without a period? What else could it be but pregnancy? Those tests were all wrong. But they weren't.

So I went in and started getting some tests done. Not very many. They checked my blood, they had me do an ultrasound, and they checked my blood again. "Nothing is wrong" they told me. "Everything looks good."

So today I went in to my Student Health Center, since it's cheaper and we don't have insurance right now. I'll be going back, but they finally gave it a name. Infertility. I am infertile. This doesn't mean I will never get pregnant, it just means I am not getting pregnant easily. Maybe I will be fertile in the future, but right now it just isn't happening.

And it's hard. And Andrew and I cry together, and we wish together, and we dream together. And my stage of being extremely baby hungry is fading away, because a part of me is beginning to lose hope that I will ever be pregnant. I drew a picture of myself pregnant once, just a doodle, when we had just started TTC. I could, at that time, completely imagine it. Those imaginations are hard to capture now.

Next Monday will be our two year anniversary. We laughed together about that, in a not so happy way. "I guess we waited two years after all."

I am learning to accept it, and I am trying to learn to hope again. This is the hardest thing that I never dreamed that I would have to face. People tell me, "You're so young! Don't worry about it, it will happen." Trying to make the problem seem smaller doesn't really help. I am young, that's true. I am in middle of the younger years when I'm supposed to be at my fertile peak. I've hit the age where I'm beginning to see more pregnancy announcements on Facebook than wedding announcements. Trying to make the problem seem like it isn't a big deal isn't going to help me. I don't want for you to pretend like the problem isn't there. What I want is people who love me anyway, who support me, who listen, who are willing to admit that they don't know how to help, but that they are here as my friend and they are rooting for me. To not feel questioned for wanting kids already, to not feel questioned on why we don't have kids already. What I want is to be accepted for who we are and what we're going through.

This may not be the happiest post, but it is an honest post, and it is something that we are facing and dealing with right now. I am not going to hide this struggle of ours. I am not waiting until later to have kids, I want kids badly. We used to be a little scared of the idea of me getting pregnant, because we weren't sure if we were ready, if we could afford it, or whatever. We aren't scared anymore. Not because we think we're ready, but because we both want it so badly now.

I have learned a lot from this trial. I will continue learning. And I am grateful beyond expression that I have a wonderful husband at my side that loves me no matter what, who is going through this WITH me, and that I have a God that loves me enough to let me learn about His timing and His plans for my life, my husband's life, and our future children's lives.