The Hardest Thing I Never Thought I'd Face

When I was little, I loved playing with dolls or stuffed animals, and helping them achieve "happily ever afters". This involved meeting their prince charming, getting married, and having children together. Then I would continue the cycle with their children.

I grew up the second out of nine children. I quickly become the super responsible second mother of the household. During Junior High when my mother was on bed rest, I went and picked my youngest two siblings up from daycare every day after school for a while since my mom could not chase them around the house, go home, and run the household up to an extent. I managed the family garden, made the meals, and helped resolve my sibling's conflicts, who came to me saying "LIZA!!!" in the same tattle-telling tone a child normally calls "MOOM!!" I had a hard time connecting to the girls my own age, since I wasn't obsessed over boys, but I connected easily with my Young Women leaders and joined in easily and naturally during their conversations of parenthood.

When my mom had to go to Washington for her grandmother's funeral when I was in high school, I ran the house for an entire week. My dad wasn't home and my older brother was rarely home; it was just me. I learned to take a step into the other room, breathe, and then deal with fighting so that I didn't resort to screaming and spanking (which was very hard sometimes) and because of that, I grew very close to my youngest brother Andrew, who was struggling and taking it out aggressively.

Through it all, I always knew that I was going to be a mom someday. It was my biggest goal, my deepest dream, and I knew that I was going to be a stay at home mom. I had prepared my whole life for it and I wanted it more than I could say.

I met my "Prince Charming" - Andrew - and fell in love with him quickly and easily. We dated, he proposed, we married. I had received a LOT of advice from several people telling me to wait to have kids. That we should focus on our marriage relationship first, build it and strengthen it, and then have kids. "Wait a couple years," they recommended. And, not sure what I was doing, I decided that was probably a good idea. So I used birth control, and I focused just on our marriage, and it was fine. For a little while.

Before two months had even gone by, my husband and I were both prompted very strongly that we needed to start our family. We prayed about it, studied it out in our minds, and then took the answer to God in prayer, and it was confirmed again to both of us. So we stopped. I had been on birth control for less than two months, and I wish I could undo that. I wish we could have started trying from the get-go. Maybe then things would be different.

We were scared at first, yes. But we had faith, and we knew that we were doing what God wanted us to do. My mom never had any problems getting pregnant, so I assumed I never would either. I began studying, learning some things about "trying to conceive". Most couples, I learned, were pregnant within 6 months. As six months came and went, I clung to the next bit of information: the couples that weren't pregnant within 6 months were usually pregnant within a year. Year one came and went.

I became depressed and obsessed over it. I murmured, I complained, I cried. Within this time, I had used over 30 pregnancy tests, and all of them were negative. Those spiteful things, I was beginning to believe, were incapable of actually showing a positive result. A couple of times I was SURE that I was pregnant. Andrew and I got excited, called our moms, and then called back within the next two days when my period started in embarrassment and regret, having to admit to them and ourselves that we were wrong, I wasn't pregnant. The ammenorhea that I got really had me fooled, too. 3 Months without a period? What else could it be but pregnancy? Those tests were all wrong. But they weren't.

So I went in and started getting some tests done. Not very many. They checked my blood, they had me do an ultrasound, and they checked my blood again. "Nothing is wrong" they told me. "Everything looks good."

So today I went in to my Student Health Center, since it's cheaper and we don't have insurance right now. I'll be going back, but they finally gave it a name. Infertility. I am infertile. This doesn't mean I will never get pregnant, it just means I am not getting pregnant easily. Maybe I will be fertile in the future, but right now it just isn't happening.

And it's hard. And Andrew and I cry together, and we wish together, and we dream together. And my stage of being extremely baby hungry is fading away, because a part of me is beginning to lose hope that I will ever be pregnant. I drew a picture of myself pregnant once, just a doodle, when we had just started TTC. I could, at that time, completely imagine it. Those imaginations are hard to capture now.

Next Monday will be our two year anniversary. We laughed together about that, in a not so happy way. "I guess we waited two years after all."

I am learning to accept it, and I am trying to learn to hope again. This is the hardest thing that I never dreamed that I would have to face. People tell me, "You're so young! Don't worry about it, it will happen." Trying to make the problem seem smaller doesn't really help. I am young, that's true. I am in middle of the younger years when I'm supposed to be at my fertile peak. I've hit the age where I'm beginning to see more pregnancy announcements on Facebook than wedding announcements. Trying to make the problem seem like it isn't a big deal isn't going to help me. I don't want for you to pretend like the problem isn't there. What I want is people who love me anyway, who support me, who listen, who are willing to admit that they don't know how to help, but that they are here as my friend and they are rooting for me. To not feel questioned for wanting kids already, to not feel questioned on why we don't have kids already. What I want is to be accepted for who we are and what we're going through.

This may not be the happiest post, but it is an honest post, and it is something that we are facing and dealing with right now. I am not going to hide this struggle of ours. I am not waiting until later to have kids, I want kids badly. We used to be a little scared of the idea of me getting pregnant, because we weren't sure if we were ready, if we could afford it, or whatever. We aren't scared anymore. Not because we think we're ready, but because we both want it so badly now.

I have learned a lot from this trial. I will continue learning. And I am grateful beyond expression that I have a wonderful husband at my side that loves me no matter what, who is going through this WITH me, and that I have a God that loves me enough to let me learn about His timing and His plans for my life, my husband's life, and our future children's lives.