Going from Childless to Child-full: Getting Our First Placement

Months of work finally worked out for us: we were now officially licensed foster parents. Now all we had to do was wait for them to place kids with us.

And wait.

Realistically it was only a month and a week or so after we got licensed that we finally got our first placement, but it felt a lot longer than that. Especially since things were gearing up for Christmas and were trying to decide if we needed to plan on having kids with us for Christmas or not.

It was just another ordinary day. I was working on a Christmas stocking for Andrew, it was my Christmas present for him that year, and I was hiding my crafting project at a friend's house so he wouldn't catch on. After taking Andrew to work, I drove to my friend's house to continue working on the stocking. We visited and then she and her toddler went to go do nap time and I went to get to work. Just as I was getting started, my phone started to ring. 

"Hello?"

I don't remember everything said, but we had been recommended to care for two little boys that were in need of a placement. The woman on the other line told me a bit about them and the case and I asked her if she minded if I called my husband to talk to him about it really quick. She said that was fine and I promised that I could call her right back to let her know either way.

I think I opened that phone call with "Hey, Andrew, do you want to have some kids?" I was breathless and my heart was racing and my mind was everywhere at once. Andrew slowed me down, I told him everything that I knew, and when neither of us felt bad about the decision, we decided "Why not?"

So I called her back. And she asked me, "Can you come right now?" So I left my sewing project, hurried upstairs to inform my friend that I was going to get two little boys RIGHT NOW. She gave me a box of fruit snacks for them and I got in my car (which I suddenly wished I had cleaned it out better the day before) and drove to go pick them up.

It was no longer just another ordinary day. Suddenly I was smiling at two little boys that were going to be living with me until they got to go back home, reassuring their grandmother that they were going to be alright, and getting booster seats from their case worker so I could take them home with me. They had a big bag full of stuff, I'd be getting more from their grandmother later. We packed it all in the car, buckled up two little boys, and I started driving home. 

With two kids in the back seats.

Weird.

When we got home, I helped them put their things away in the dresser, helped them make their beds, and soon it was time to go pick Andrew up from work. We went and got him. I thought how weird that must be for him, to come out to the car and see two kids in the back seat that weren't there when I dropped him off that morning.

We got pizza on our way home and watched a movie together that night until, around 8:11, the older of the two told us he was tired. They didn't have a normal bedtime routine before they came to  us, so I got to make it up on the spot and try to figure things out.

Then they were in bed and we were downstairs and THERE WERE KIDS IN OUR HOUSE. I went to bed happier that night than I had been in a long time. The next few weeks I enjoyed the honeymoon stage with the boys, feeling so fulfilled at the end of each day and warm and happy.

That was the day we went from childless to child-full all at once, in a whirlwind that left me breathless. I haven't caught my breath since, and I'm still just making things up as I go.

The case has been going pretty well, and although the honeymoon stage has worn off (I go to bed a little more exhausted now, and sometimes frustrated, sometimes hurt, sometimes sad, but sometimes still happy and sometimes still feeling very fulfilled) I still know that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing.

Isn't it crazy? How life can change everything in an instant like that?

I am a foster mom now, and Andrew is a foster dad now. We're parents.

And our lives will definitely never be the same again.

Chore Reward System

Background:

We had been struggling with the boys on getting them to do their chores. "Mr. K, can you please work on your chores?" "No, thanks. I don't want to do my chores today." "That's not really an option. Remember how it's a house rule that you need to help out with your chores?" "I don't want to do them." It was a frustrating battle day in and out. So Andrew and I held a family council and prayed over what to do. And an answer came to me.

Our answer may not work for everyone, but it has absolutely floored me how well that it has been working for us. As in, within three months, they didn't finish their chores 7 times. Three of those times it was because their chore reward from the day before was no chores, and at least once it was because we were gone all day. So, basically, that makes three days out of three months that they didn't do their chores. If the days get too crazy once a month for boys to get chores done, I can handle that. This has worked INFINITELY better for us than the daily struggle it was before.

Our Answer (The Chore Reward System):

While we were talking, I suddenly remembered something my third grade teacher used to do. Occasionally, I don't remember what we did to earn it, we got to pick a clover off of the wall. They had things like "5 extra minutes of recess" or "Eat lunch in the classroom today" or "Better luck next time" on them. We LOVED picking them! I realized this could work as a chore reward system (although we don't have "better luck next time" as a chore reward).

We broke it into groups:

Weekday Chore Rewards, ones we could do on a school night during the week or on Saturdays when we had something going on, such as the boys going to visit their grandma.

Saturday Chore Rewards, ones we could do when we had more time as a family to do something fun.

Lastly, More Expensive Chore Rewards: these were the "rare" chore rewards where we could budget to do something fun as a family. These were only possible to draw on Saturdays, because ONE Saturday would have a "pick a (pot of gold, or whatever object we used for it that month)" and we had more chore rewards in each category than were possible to draw. So far, two of the three months we have done the expensive chore reward. This month it didn't get drawn.

The Chore Rewards for April. The Easter Eggs are the regular weekday chore rewards, the bunnies are the weekday chore rewards, and the Easter Baskets were the expensive chore rewards. I made them all visually different so that the boys would know which ones they could pick. The chocolate bunny was because we had something special planned one of the days of this month and it could only get picked on a specific day (one of the boys' birthdays).

I have done different visuals each month to make it less of an eyesore for them to just be on a wall in my house.

For March: Three Leaf Clovers, Four Leaf Clovers, Pots of Gold
April: Easter Eggs, Easter Bunnies, Easter Baskets
May: Raindrops, Clouds, Umbrellas
June: Flowers, Birds, Sunshines

How can we afford to do this? Simple. I adapted the chore reward system to us in particular, making use of things we could go and do for little or free. For example, the boys have Pass of All Passes, so we put Trafalga in as a Saturday chore reward. We have fun kids board games, so we will let them pick which one we all play together that night. Super fun for the boys and free for us. Awesome! Plus it helps us make sure we are scheduling time together as a family to do fun things. On top of that, I just made a budget for it. I would write out all of the chore rewards before the month they would be in and then write down how expensive they would be and then budgeted for them.

The catch with this system is that in order for us to do some of the chore rewards, we have to have enough time before bedtime. So we set a hard time limit that, if they aren't done by that time exactly they don't get to get a chore reward that day. That helps them with not dilly-dallying about doing their chores; they want to get them done in time! Also, the first person that is done with their chores is the one that gets to pick the reward off of the wall. Everyone who finishes their chores within the time limit gets to have the reward, but only the first person done gets to pick the actual reward off of the wall.

Really quick I'll give you what we do for chores and then list a sample of chore rewards for those of you that may be seeking ideas.

Chores:

I made chore charts for the boys using charts I found online for age-appropriate chores for their specific ages. I adapted things each month to come up with a system that works for us.

For us, the boys have every day chores, weekly chores, and "Ask Liz" chores. For their everyday chores, it's things like picking up their clothes and toys, making their beds, and reading/going to school/doing homework. Each week they also switch off who helps clean and set the table and who helps feed the cats for the rest of that week on their daily chores. Their weekly chores are things that only need to happen once a week. For example, I give them a cleaning wipe and they clean off their toilet seat in the bathroom that only they use, or they help with vacuuming their bedroom and the stairs (I have a small handheld vacuum for the 5-year-old; he helps with the stairs).

Their "Ask Liz" chores have adapted a lot. It used to be something I planned out ahead of time, but I have changed it to something where they have to come up to me and ask me for another chore. I look around me, find something that needs to be done that day (like helping water the plants, using glass wipes to clean the bathroom mirrors, or playing upstairs quietly until lunch time to give me a moment to recollect my sanity).

Overall, they have six chores every day, six days of the week (we don't do chores on Sunday in our house).

The one disadvantage to this is I have to constantly be helping them figure out what their next chore is and then checking them off, which makes it harder for me to get my own stuff done. But hey. They are learning how to help out around the home. I am raising boys that will help their wives at home, and if that means the dishes have to wait until they are in bed, I can deal with that.

Chore Reward Ideas:

Regular Chore Rewards:
(With some of these we do multiples. For example, we might have four Regular Chore Rewards that have "Make a Treat Together" on them, but we only have one option for "No Chores Tomorrow". Find whatever works for you.)

- Ten minutes of a video or computer game
- Play a board game together (Your choice)
- $__ Allowance (we have switched between $1 or $2 - we took them to a toy store before this, too, to help them find something they wanted to save up for)
- Piece of Candy (we still have candy left over from Easter)
- Pick a candy bar from the store (we limit them to $1 each)
- Make a treat together
- No Chores Tomorrow!
- Ice Cream / Rootbeer Floats
- Story time! (the boys were not a fan of this one, so we cut it out since we were doing reading with them as a chore anyway)
- Craft time
- Pick one chore not to do tomorrow (The boys didn't like this one, strangely enough. They're an all-or-nothing bunch, I suppose. We figured with the no chores tomorrow they didn't get to pick a clover that day, but with this one it got them one chore closer to picking a chore reward.)


Saturday Chore Rewards:
(We always do more possible rewards on this than there are weekends, that way it isn't guaranteed that we will do the expensive chore reward. You are free to do differently in your own home.)

- $0.50 Allowance per Regular Chore Reward earned this week, $5 if all possible Chore Rewards were earned.
- Pick an expensive chore reward
- Go to Trafalga
- Go to Kangaroo Zoo
- Outdoor Scavenger Hunt
- Feed ducks at the park
- Go out for a treat (we took them to Purple Turtle for a milkshake when we got this one)

Expensive Chore Rewards:
(Again, make sure you budget for this and plan ahead so it's something you could really go do together as a family. It's our way of fitting a family outing into our schedules once a month. We only have two per month for them to choose one of, but I will list several of the options that we have done.)

- Nickle City
- Bowling
- Color-Me-Mine
- Go to the Rec. Center
- Go out to the movies
- Classic Skating