The Hardest Thing I Never Thought I'd Face

When I was little, I loved playing with dolls or stuffed animals, and helping them achieve "happily ever afters". This involved meeting their prince charming, getting married, and having children together. Then I would continue the cycle with their children.

I grew up the second out of nine children. I quickly become the super responsible second mother of the household. During Junior High when my mother was on bed rest, I went and picked my youngest two siblings up from daycare every day after school for a while since my mom could not chase them around the house, go home, and run the household up to an extent. I managed the family garden, made the meals, and helped resolve my sibling's conflicts, who came to me saying "LIZA!!!" in the same tattle-telling tone a child normally calls "MOOM!!" I had a hard time connecting to the girls my own age, since I wasn't obsessed over boys, but I connected easily with my Young Women leaders and joined in easily and naturally during their conversations of parenthood.

When my mom had to go to Washington for her grandmother's funeral when I was in high school, I ran the house for an entire week. My dad wasn't home and my older brother was rarely home; it was just me. I learned to take a step into the other room, breathe, and then deal with fighting so that I didn't resort to screaming and spanking (which was very hard sometimes) and because of that, I grew very close to my youngest brother Andrew, who was struggling and taking it out aggressively.

Through it all, I always knew that I was going to be a mom someday. It was my biggest goal, my deepest dream, and I knew that I was going to be a stay at home mom. I had prepared my whole life for it and I wanted it more than I could say.

I met my "Prince Charming" - Andrew - and fell in love with him quickly and easily. We dated, he proposed, we married. I had received a LOT of advice from several people telling me to wait to have kids. That we should focus on our marriage relationship first, build it and strengthen it, and then have kids. "Wait a couple years," they recommended. And, not sure what I was doing, I decided that was probably a good idea. So I used birth control, and I focused just on our marriage, and it was fine. For a little while.

Before two months had even gone by, my husband and I were both prompted very strongly that we needed to start our family. We prayed about it, studied it out in our minds, and then took the answer to God in prayer, and it was confirmed again to both of us. So we stopped. I had been on birth control for less than two months, and I wish I could undo that. I wish we could have started trying from the get-go. Maybe then things would be different.

We were scared at first, yes. But we had faith, and we knew that we were doing what God wanted us to do. My mom never had any problems getting pregnant, so I assumed I never would either. I began studying, learning some things about "trying to conceive". Most couples, I learned, were pregnant within 6 months. As six months came and went, I clung to the next bit of information: the couples that weren't pregnant within 6 months were usually pregnant within a year. Year one came and went.

I became depressed and obsessed over it. I murmured, I complained, I cried. Within this time, I had used over 30 pregnancy tests, and all of them were negative. Those spiteful things, I was beginning to believe, were incapable of actually showing a positive result. A couple of times I was SURE that I was pregnant. Andrew and I got excited, called our moms, and then called back within the next two days when my period started in embarrassment and regret, having to admit to them and ourselves that we were wrong, I wasn't pregnant. The ammenorhea that I got really had me fooled, too. 3 Months without a period? What else could it be but pregnancy? Those tests were all wrong. But they weren't.

So I went in and started getting some tests done. Not very many. They checked my blood, they had me do an ultrasound, and they checked my blood again. "Nothing is wrong" they told me. "Everything looks good."

So today I went in to my Student Health Center, since it's cheaper and we don't have insurance right now. I'll be going back, but they finally gave it a name. Infertility. I am infertile. This doesn't mean I will never get pregnant, it just means I am not getting pregnant easily. Maybe I will be fertile in the future, but right now it just isn't happening.

And it's hard. And Andrew and I cry together, and we wish together, and we dream together. And my stage of being extremely baby hungry is fading away, because a part of me is beginning to lose hope that I will ever be pregnant. I drew a picture of myself pregnant once, just a doodle, when we had just started TTC. I could, at that time, completely imagine it. Those imaginations are hard to capture now.

Next Monday will be our two year anniversary. We laughed together about that, in a not so happy way. "I guess we waited two years after all."

I am learning to accept it, and I am trying to learn to hope again. This is the hardest thing that I never dreamed that I would have to face. People tell me, "You're so young! Don't worry about it, it will happen." Trying to make the problem seem smaller doesn't really help. I am young, that's true. I am in middle of the younger years when I'm supposed to be at my fertile peak. I've hit the age where I'm beginning to see more pregnancy announcements on Facebook than wedding announcements. Trying to make the problem seem like it isn't a big deal isn't going to help me. I don't want for you to pretend like the problem isn't there. What I want is people who love me anyway, who support me, who listen, who are willing to admit that they don't know how to help, but that they are here as my friend and they are rooting for me. To not feel questioned for wanting kids already, to not feel questioned on why we don't have kids already. What I want is to be accepted for who we are and what we're going through.

This may not be the happiest post, but it is an honest post, and it is something that we are facing and dealing with right now. I am not going to hide this struggle of ours. I am not waiting until later to have kids, I want kids badly. We used to be a little scared of the idea of me getting pregnant, because we weren't sure if we were ready, if we could afford it, or whatever. We aren't scared anymore. Not because we think we're ready, but because we both want it so badly now.

I have learned a lot from this trial. I will continue learning. And I am grateful beyond expression that I have a wonderful husband at my side that loves me no matter what, who is going through this WITH me, and that I have a God that loves me enough to let me learn about His timing and His plans for my life, my husband's life, and our future children's lives.

Andrew's Knack

So my husband, whom I love very dearly, is HORRIBLE at this whole being surprised by gifts thing. One way or another, he will inevitably find out what it is that I (or anyone else, for that matter, it seems) got him before he's supposed to. It isn't always his fault, but sometimes it is. This is not a one time thing, either. His mom actually warned me about this strange ability of his, because he was really good at not being surprised and finding out what he's getting before, too, all growing up.

Here are some examples that I have PERSONALLY have had with this odd ability of his:

We had been married for less than five months the first time it happened. For some reason, he had logged on to Amazon on my computer. Before I realized this, I put an ice cream maker in the cart to surprise him for his birthday, to get it a little early and have his mom hold on to it. When I realized I wasn't on my account, I logged off Andrew off, logged myself on, and purchased it. Andrew was later emailed about the ice cream maker that was still in his cart. Whoops.

I tried again our second Christmas together (last year). I was making desktop calendars for people for Christmas, and had gotten a deal that I could buy one get two free. So I decided I'd make one for my dad, one for my friend Katie, and one for Andrew. I told Andrew about the deal, and he said it wasn't worth it unless I had three people specifically in mind. I told him I did, and he asked who. Cornered, I had to admit that one of them was for him, that I'd been hoping to surprise him. He then realized what he had done and kind of felt bad.

So THEN I was going to surprise him with a 4 pound thing of Jelly Bellies (same Christmas). The surprise was well on its way to being perfect! Except that it got delivered to the wrong Post Office. When I told Andrew, I slipped and said "The Jelly Bellies..... I mean... the package was shipped to the wrong Post Office." Andrew started laughing really hard, especially since it wasn't his fault this time.

I was determined after that that I was going to surprise him. So this year for Easter, I decided to order a board game he had been wanting since before his mission (Dread Pirate). I told him that I had ordered something, and had it shipped to the PO Box, and that it was a surprise. At the same time, I ordered some hair trimmers to be delivered to the apartment. When the board game was delivered, Andrew picked it up and, forgetting about the surprise package and thinking it was the hair clippers, he opened the box to make carrying the trimmers home easier. And then called me sounding very, very guilty. I wasn't sure if I was more amused or flabbergasted.

Luckily, it IS possible to surprise him.

Like, when I bought him The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson and hid it in a drawer for over a month to surprise him for the actual day of Easter. It worked! He had no idea! I was thrilled :)

And, later on, when I got him "Steelheart" to celebrate the anniversary of his first day of work at Sewell (okay, I admit it. I had no idea it was the one year mark. It was supposed to be for Christmas, but then he mentioned the work thing and I was so excited about the gift for him that I gave it to him early haha).

And this year, for Christmas & our Anniversary, I hope to successfully surprise him again. Here's to hoping. Who knew surprising someone could be so easily complicated??

Couch Cushions & Super Gross Bugs DON'T Mix

Just last week our couch cushions became in need of some cleaning after having one of my younger siblings over that accidentally wet the couch while they were sleeping on it. Andrew had taken them and washed them and left them in the bathroom to drain & dry out, but they were beginning to smell a bit still. In response, Andrew suggested today that I take them outside, spray them down with a hose, and sprinkle baking soda on them then leave them out there and let them dry to help with the smell & let them dry out thoroughly.

Later when I went out to go put them outside, I decided that the front steps & just outside the front door could use some sweeping  up to make sure the ground beneath where the cushions were going to be was clean. In the process, I decided to move my plants in order to get behind them where I had seen some petals and spider webs and leaves that had been blown behind them. A horror awaited me behind those pots, however.

The petals and leaves that had begun decomposing a bit were MOVING. I couldn't hold back the shudder that came when I realized just what I was looking at - an insane number of bugs. Bugs began spreading out from the place the pot had been, and in horror I ran to go get shoes on to squish them with before any got inside the apartment. Pill bugs, earwigs, spiders, and beetles were everywhere, and it was DISGUSTING! Normally I am not one to get all girly when it comes to bugs, but the insane number of them struck a chord in me that brought out a killer instinct in me that I wasn't completely aware of before. Normally I am the kind of person to capture bugs and set them free outside, but I had gone from being a bug savior to being a bug demon of destruction.

Taking a break from my squishing frenzy, I ran into the house and hunted down our can of Raid. Much to my dismay, I realized that the Raid my husband had gotten only killed ants and cockroaches, but I decided it was worth trying to use anyway. I ran outside with my weapon of (hopefully) mass destruction and began spraying the bugs with a vengeance. A few began writhing and didn't seem to enjoy the poisonous spray, but most seemed completely oblivious to the fact that I was trying to kill them, wandering up to me without realizing that this meant they were going to be squished. Any bug that began escaping my killer Raid met the bottom of my shoe, and I was on a bug killing rampage. 

In middle of my horrified adrenaline inducing killing spree, a HUGE spider suddenly began charging at me from the flower pot.  I jumped and then acted quickly, squishing it just before it made its way past me into my apartment. After dousing the area again with raid, I continued my squishing spree and killed several ear wigs, including a few that I gave a merciful death with my shoe when I realized they were just slowly and painfully dying. Finally, I grabbed the broom & dustpan and dumped the rest of the leaves, petals, and bugs (whether dead or alive) all in a garbage bag and ran it to the dumpster. In a case of overkill, I then went inside, found a container of bleach, and doused the area, and then sprayed Raid around the doorway as a protective measure to try to keep any bugs from entering my abode.

Finally, hesitantly, I took the couch cushions out and sprinkled them in baking soda and hosed them down. Feeling gross from the bug incident and worried bugs would get inside the cushions, though, I ended up taking them to the driveway near the car to dry - I just couldn't leave them near where a drove of bugs had been crawling only minutes before.

So if anyone is wondering, this is why the flowers in the front are still out of place and there are couch cushions in my parking space and I took a bubble bath in middle of the day to get rid of the feeling of bugs crawling all over me.

In an odd sort of way, I kind of feel like a war-hero. Taking on a gross number of bugs can do that to you sometimes, I guess. Andrew seemed less than impressed when I tried telling him about it, though.

During Summer, Dreams Do Come True! . . . Sometimes.

Summertime! It's the stuff dreams are made of! Coincidentally, it's also the stuff nightmares are made of as well.

For example:

DREAMS:

Not dealing with this guy in the morning? Heaven! The luxury of not having to get up super early in order to scrape the car off, especially in the mornings I was running late, was something I missed about summertime big time during the winter. Plus, you don't have to freeze your bum off while you wait for your car to finally heat up.

NIGHTMARES:

Summertime with a car that doesn't have a working air conditioning. All I can say is thank goodness for 4x40 (all four windows rolled down going 40mph). And for a Father-in-law that is a mechanic and will hopefully be able to fix that soon. Until then, the windows will be rolled up and down as I vary between "It's stuffy and hot in here!" and "The wind is getting my hair all in my face!"

Summertime is the time people look forward to plan trips, play outdoors, finally relax, and just enjoy the sunshine. And every year, we convince ourselves that this summer we are going to have the time of our lives without a care in the world, expecting everything to go off without a hitch. Maybe I'm the only one, but I don't think this has ever happened for me. It seems like every year my summer plans have to meet up with the fact that this is still the real world and things don't always go according to plan.

For the Fourth of July we thought it would be fun to go with a couple of friends in our ward to Lava Hot Springs in Idaho, so we could go inner-tubing down the river and soak in the hot springs. Super awesome road trip we had planned? Meet having to pay for car repairs, miscalculating our budget, and realizing we could no longer afford to go.

My plan for wearing shorts, enjoying myself outside, and getting super cute tan legs? Meet marriage-weight-gain causing my shorts to no longer fit comfortably, feeling too lazy to go outside because it's hot, and consequently, still very white legs. Except for the weird part of my foot between my pant line and where my flats begin that has tanned. Yeah, a bit odd looking.

It hasn't been all bad. We might not have been able to go on that 4th of July road trip, but we still got to go to a parade, spend time with family, go swimming in my cute new swimsuit, enjoy some grilled food, and watch fireworks with friends.

And even though those trip plans didn't work out, we still were able to go on a fun camp out to Goblin Valley with those friends. There weren't even mosquitoes there, which was a huge plus! :)

I might not fit in all of my old pants anymore, but it gave me an excuse to buy some new running shoes & convince my husband to start running with me. Definitely a new motivation to get back in shape! Which I needed. And even though I may not have cute tan legs, I at least have a funny pants & flats tan line :)

We've grilled, gone on fun dates, and have had a lot of time to relax and read for fun instead of for homework, watch movies, and create new plans! And summer still isn't over yet!

So even if there are a few nightmares this summer like a car's AC not working (if you are also going through this, I feel for you) and fun trips falling through, summer is still a time of dreaming and living those dreams and relaxing and laughing and just enjoying life in general.

So long live your summer dreams! I hope all of your summers are going just as well as ours - if not better!

School's Out for Summer!! :D

After three demanding semesters, I am thrilled to be taking a summer off! School is going well, and I'm actually really excited to announce (if I haven't already) that Andrew and I will both be graduating from UVU by the end of 2014! Andrew with his Bachelors and me with my Associates. I changed my major to Behavioral Science, and now have only 2 semesters left until I graduate with my Associates of Science. I'm focusing on Family Studies. Andrew is majoring in Computer Science, emphasizing in Computer Programming. He is really good at it, too! He's already gotten a job doing everything he's in school to learn right now, and I couldn't be more proud of him! :) Andrew has 2 or 3 semesters left depending on how ambitious he's feeling with his classes (he might do a semester entirely dedicated to a VERY difficult class at UVU where he has to write his own operating system just so that he can give it the time it needs so he can pass it).

I'm actually quite excited with how school has been going for me! Just to sum up how I did on my last 3 semesters...

Yes, I'm crazy... I took Math 1050 during SUMMER Semester.
Also - FIRST 4.0 I had EVER received in my entire academic career! WOOT! :D

Everyone preached doom & gloom about Ethics & Values classes when they heard I was taking it -
I rather enjoyed it, actually.

Silly A-; that's what I get for getting sick and skipping class and getting a B on the final.
Oh well, all the classes that really mattered I got A's in. :)
And in case you missed it - I GOT AN A IN ENGLISH 2010!!! :D

Also, since Andrew won't do it for himself, I'm going to do bragging time for him:

He did AWESOME in his Programming classes last semester!! :D

After working our bums off the past few semesters, we're definitely ready to have some fun together this summer. Especially since we couldn't do anything the summer of our first year of marriage because I was in school during Summer Semester back then!

So to make up for it, we've made some really fun plans... <3

In June we're going to go camping in Goblin Valley with our friends Brian & Genni.
Also, my mom is getting married June 29th!! :D I'm so happy for her <3
Her wedding is followed quickly by my older brother James' on July 2nd!! <3
In July we're going to Lava Hot Springs for the 4th of July with Brian & Genni to go tubing and watch fireworks.
We're then later heading to Oregon for my cousin Savannah's wedding! I'm so excited to visit the coast & see Savannah! She is going to be a beautiful bride <3

In August we're doing a solo trip to Zions National Park ( - where we went on our honeymoon ;) ) just before school starts.

We're also planning on doing a lot of hiking, building up to us hiking to the top of Mt. Timpanogos in August! I'm really excited for that :)

What about you, do you have any fun summer plans??

Life at the Moment

First off, WE MOVED!!! :D I am so excited, and I love our new little apartment already :)

The front room is the only room in the house that is reasonably clear of boxes, so that's all I'm sharing pictures of so far. But I'm impressed it's this put together already; we moved in two days ago!
I love the way that, when you enter the apartment, the bookshelf draws your eyes to it; it has become the center of our home :)

I officially went in and got my major changed as well. Turns out, that actually brought me a lot closer to graduation!! I should be graduating around the same time as Andrew (Spring or Fall of 2014). We're talking about what's going to happen after our graduations, and right now it's sounding like Andrew will get a job and we'll work towards paying off our student loans, and I will pause my schooling to become a stay-at-home mom. Once our kids are all in elementary school and above, then I might start taking some classes to work towards my bachelor's degree during the time frame that they are all at school. That's the plan right now, anyway :) If we get prompted in another direction, we will head down that course instead.

Major Change

As I was reviewing my patriarchal blessing, I read over the part talking about how I would be guided in the area of my profession. I contemplated my chosen major, Early Childhood Education. I've told people over and over how I was planning on being able to teach preschool in our home if we needed the extra income so I could still be a stay at home mom while helping out. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I just couldn't see myself doing it. I love children, and I'm not bad at teaching, but overall it just seemed off.

I began writing, thoughtlessly, on my notebook. After a while, I actually realized what I had written. "Foster Parent" my doodled words spelled out. It was something Andrew and I had talked about before very briefly: being foster parents and maybe even adopting some of the kids. I would be lying if I said that I had spent a lot of time thinking about it since then, though. Staring at the words, I finally ripped a paper out of my notebook and passed a note to Andrew.

I think I'm going to change my major.

Andrew gave me a look then wrote down on the paper and passed it back.
Why? and to what?

I began writing as quickly as the thoughts came to me.
Because while I could do an in home preschool and be happy with that, it just doesn't feel quite like what I need to be doing. I can't actually super see myself doing it. In all of my designs of our dream house, was there ever a place where I could teach?
I think I should just switch to and start the Family Studies major.
I'm still considering the Foster Parent thing, I think I'd be more likely to do that than teach preschool.
I might still take some early childhood education classes, but not to teach preschool. So I can be a better mom.

Andrew nodded as he read it knowingly, then looked up from reading and leaned over to me. "We'll talk about it at home," he told me.

Sunbeams, like always, was full of kids wanting to sit on my lap, sit next to me and cuddle, and kids that wanted to run all over the room pretending to be a wolf/cat/dog. Then there's the one Sunbeam that reminds me of Grumpy Cat. No matter what I ask him, the answer is always NO! He reminds me of the famous Grumpy Cat:
He even has the face down perfectly.

Mostly it's because he's having a SUPER hard time adjusting to Sunbeams after Nursery. He'll get there eventually :) It'll be hard for him all over when we move out of the ward... We did make progress today: he sat on my lap and even participated in a few things! By the end he was having a BLAST playing dinosaur with one of the other sunbeams.

Anyway. Sunbeams ended and slowly all of the kids were picked up by their parents. They even all helped clean up! It was great. Sunbeams is crazy, but I'm going to miss the kids. I hope they can find someone new soon; apparently they've had several people actually turn down the calling! Poor Sunbeams... My heart goes out to them. The adjustment, all over again, will be so hard for them if no one will accept it before we move to help with transitioning.

After we got home, I brought up the subject of the major change again. And what Andrew had to say kind of surprised me.

"Honestly, I've been thinking you needed to change majors for a while, I just didn't want to say anything and make you feel like I was wanting you to quit school. When you had to drop the Health for Elementary Ed class, I caught myself thinking, 'Good. She doesn't need that class anyway,' which made no sense. But I've been thinking you should switch to the Family Studies major for a while."

We talked about foster parenting, and he dumped another surprise on me: when we got the prompting to start our family last year, he was also prompted that we were going to be foster parents someday. That prompting was that it wasn't a big deal because it wasn't immediately soon and he was prompted to not worry about it, but he never even thought twice about it. It just was going to happen.

It feels right. I don't want to teach or ANYTHING as much as I desperately want to be a mother. So, fittingly, my profession will be as a foster mother :) It will be a challenge, a joy, and SO worth it. I'm really excited to go in and change my major.

Family Update & Blessings

Like all things, we have gotten both wonderful blessings and a few disappointments since my last post. However, I really am so very richly blessed; while I won't leave out the disappointments, I would like to put in at least two blessings per disappointment. I want this post to highlight the positive note that my life really is on right now; after all, no matter what bad comes to us, we are richly blessed, and Heavenly Father deserves to be given credit for all of the wonder and joy that comes to us.

On Wednesday of last week, my wedding ring went missing. I may not ever see it again, since I believe it was lost on UVU campus outside in the snow. Although this was disappointing to me, and I love that ring, I'm glad that that wasn't why I married my sweet husband. Rings will come and go, but I very very highly doubt I could have found a better man for me than my husband. He is one in a trillion, and I feel so proud to be the woman he chose to be at his side. My life would be completely incomplete without him, and I couldn't bear it if I lost him. In comparison, losing my wedding ring is completely insignificant.

On a high note, I made it into the UVU Ballroom Company, and I am SUPER excited!!! My team will be performing the Mambo and (most likely) the Tango. Our performances will be April 18-20th, so save the date! I can't wait to do my best performing ballroom on the stage. My dance partner is named Travis, and I still have a long way to go in getting to know the rest of the team, but I am enjoying it a lot so far, and am determined to do my best and enjoy being part of the team. (Unfortunately, my husband and I are not on team together since he didn't have room/time to do that this semester. I would have loved to be performing with him, but maybe later.)

I am officially a sophomore! After taking over a year off from school, having to retake classes to get my GPA up to qualify for financial aid after a first semester that pretty much blew up in my face, I'm back in the swing of things and I even got my first 4.0! And then my second 4.0! I even chose what I am going to be doing for a Bachelor's Degree after I finish my associates! I'm really excited to be back in school and doing well.

Andrew is also doing really well in school, and is officially a Senior! If he plays his cards right, he could graduate at the end of Spring semester in 2014! I'm so proud of him and all of the hard work that he is putting into his schooling. He might end up taking one class in Fall semester of 2014 just to ease his workload, especially since the class he might take on its own is said to be the hardest class offered at UVU, but by the end of 2014, my wonderful husband will be a graduate!

(Sorry for throwing all of the exclamation marks in your faces; I don't know how else to truly portray my enthusiasm and excitement for all of that good news.)

Life is wonderful, and I am looking forward to the joys and blessings that will continue to come to Andrew and I as we move forward together, especially as we continue to seek God's will for our family.

Love and joy to you all!