Done and Not Done - A Graduation Tale

Earlier this month I finished my Associates Degree finally and graduated!! (If you couldn't guess, this is the DONE!! part! Yay!) Andrew and I both did really well that semester!! I got another 4.0, and Andrew had all A's (2 were A-)! I'm super proud of him!! :-)

 

My Mom, Step-Dad, Grandma, and 5 of my 11 Siblings

It was so nice to be done and celebrate my accomplishments with my family. I especially appreciated all of the efforts they all made to be there! My mom had to get up super early to make it, since my graduation started at 8 AM.

My Two Beautiful Moms :)

After the graduation ceremony, we went over to my Mother-in-Law's house for lunch. She made her amazing chicken salad sandwiches and her coworker made some amazing brownies for me!

My Mom & Step-Dad Jason

 It was a wonderful accomplishment for me to finish my Associates Degree, especially since originally I was planning on being done with my Associates Degree...

Me & My "Snuggly Haired Grandma"
That was what I called her all my childhood

Three Generations :-)

This is where the "Not Done" comes in.







Andrew and I talked about it, and I'm going to be getting my Bachelor's Degree. I knew this already when graduating with my Associates Degree, but I felt like I should walk anyway and prove to myself that those semesters of working my tush off actually was going toward something. It was worth it, if only to celebrate with my family.

My Super Awesome Little Sister!!

I'm going to be getting my Bachelor's in Behavioral Science with an emphasis in Family Studies. When I get my Bachelor's Degree, I'll have pretty much everything done to become a Certified Family Life Educator. There are just a lot of classes for that degree that I want to take before I finish and we start Foster Care and everything.






In other exciting news, this super awesome little sister of mine is going to be moving in with us for a while! (A while means however long until she gets to go to the MTC after she gets her papers in & everything). This is so she can get a job up here and save up for a mission. It's going to be pretty awesome!




We had one week off from school after my graduation, then we started Summer Semester. Andrew will be struggling through Calc 2 after 8 years of no math. He's a little panicked over it, but we both believe that he can pass.

I'm a little burnt out after last semester, but I'm still going to do my best this semester and that's all anyone can really ask of me! (Is  it considered my best if I'm currently procrastinating doing some homework to write this post? Hmm...)

Hope all is well with you!

With Love,
The Christiansens

No Longer Trying - Leaving it in the Hands of God

Thank you all for your love and concern that has followed my open and honest post concerning our current infertility. It has been a hard thing for us, and I appreciate that you all have responded so understandingly and lovingly.

Recently, I was put on Clomid for a couple of cycles, and although I know I could continue it still, we are choosing, for now, temporarily, to stop trying. Before I get bombarded with "Don't give up!" and other encouraging words, let me explain why we have decided this.

During the two cycles of Clomid, I received answers in a couple of blessings. One was a blessing Andrew was given at the beginning of the school semester. In the blessing, he was blessed to be there for "his sweet wife" and to help me through the disappointments that would be ahead of us. With those words, I knew that the Clomid was not going to work this round; namely, I was not going to get pregnant. I was not surprised when my period started. During the next round, I asked Andrew to give me, along with my Step-Dad Jason, a healing blessing. Partially to help with my cold at the time, but mostly to heal my body and let the Clomid help me get pregnant. However, the blessing I asked for was not quite the blessing I received. I was promised that I WOULD receive the great desire of my heart, and that eventually all of the efforts I was making to get pregnant would pay off. Andrew and I both walked away from that experience knowing that it was not going to work this round either, and that was when I started entertaining the thought of no longer trying.

What Do I Mean By "Not Trying"?
This does NOT mean that we will be using contraceptives again. I will even still be taking prenatal fertility vitamins. This DOES mean, however, that I am going to box up my fertility monitor, my OPKs (Ovulation Prediction Kits - like pregnancy tests, but they tell you if you're ovulating or not), my pregnancy books, and basically everything else. No more charting, worrying about whether or not I'm ovulating, etc. The only "exceptions" will be the prenatal fertility vitamins and keeping track of when my periods are starting to see how long my cycles are. That is it.

Why, after two years of trying, would I choose to suddenly stop?
Well, during my reflection, I realized that not all of the changes that I had made since I started TTC were good. For a while, I had started focusing on what I didn't have yet (a baby) and wasn't concentrating as much as I should have on what I already have (a wonderful husband). I even caught myself murmuring about it with my friends, which must have been very uncomfortable for them... Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of spiritual growth and learned some VERY valuable lessons during this time, and I wouldn't take back any of this difficult trial. But I need to focus on the blessings I have already received rather than mourn because I have not yet received one particular blessing.

Additionally, I have been doing the Clomid, the fertility monitor, and so on, and I'm still not pregnant. Every time I ask for a blessing on it, the answer is always, "I have promised this to you, I always keep my promise" and so on. God just reassures me over and over to not worry about it, that it will happen. If my efforts have thus far gotten me nowhere, but God has already promised me that it's going to happen, why should I be worrying and trying to make it happen? I'm still going to do the prenatal fertility vitamins because I want to be healthy in case I do get pregnant while "not trying", but other than that, I think I can trust God and leave it up to Him. It's never been about me or my timing anyway.

So, consequently, I decided that something had to change. I decided that I needed to stop worrying and stressing over things that I don't have any control over (I can't MAKE myself get pregnant) and instead focus on what I do have control over. Namely, getting in better shape, enhancing my marriage and trying to actually enjoy this period that we have without children rather than let it pass by waiting for the next big thing. I don't want to look back on my marriage, some years in the future, and regret wasting my life worrying about the future and not living in the present.


I can't guarantee that this change will be easy for me. We aren't giving up, and we still want to have children together. There are definitely days still that are hard and it hurts because I want a baby. I know that Andrew really will have a hard time with this change, because he also REALLY wants a baby, and I don't know if he will be able to mentally step away from that at all and stop worrying about it. Honestly, I think he's had a harder time with this than I have; he's just quieter about it and doesn't talk about it as openly as I do. But we're going to try. We're going to try to stop trying and leave it all in the hands of God. He's been the one in charge this entire time anyway.

Exciting Times!

We have had some exciting times lately in our little Christiansen Home :)

First off, the absolutely most exciting news: one of my lifelong dreams is going to be fulfilled in April! I have the wonderful opportunity of singing in the April General Conference during the Saturday Afternoon session! The Orem Institute of Religion is directed by Ryan Eggett, who is PHENOMENAL! Additionally, we have the largest institute in Utah, and so we will be able to be performing on our own! Saying that I am excited is a bit of an understatement. I feel so honored and blessed to be a part of this. It's also intimidating, since we will be performing for, oh, approximately 4-10 million people... It will be worth it knowing that I am singing for my family, friends, and my Savior, though, and luckily I (usually) don't really get stage fright all that badly.

For Valentine's Day, Andrew and I created our own little retreat to "get away" from school and chores by renting a hotel, going out to dinner, and then going out to breakfast the next morning just before going to go see The Lego Movie. We saved up for this, and even though it was kind of expensive, it was so nice to just get away for the weekend! Andrew got me a miniature white rose bush and a bag of my favorite jelly beans for Valentines :) (in case you're wondering, it's green pear). I got him the next expansion for The Lord of the Rings Card Game, and we played all night. (At least, it felt that way, especially when I couldn't sleep at 3 AM so we got up and continued playing).

We have also decided that I am going to take Summer Semester classes, so Andrew and I will both be graduating with our Bachelor's Degrees at the same time next year (April 30th). This is a huge thing, and I am excited to be done with school! I am also feeling a bit overwhelmed looking at the classes that I have to take coming up, such as my Advanced Research class... I am confident that I can handle it, but I am also confident that I am probably going to get burnt out before I've finished. This current semester is one of my hardest, since I am taking 15 credits of core classes, without any P.E. or dance classes to make it more fun. Andrew has only 4 classes he has to take after this semester, but unfortunately is going to have to drag it out in two (or three, if he decides to do summer semester) semester.

That is pretty much it, honestly. Other than that, we are trekking through school and trying to make sure we pass our classes!
Love you all!
- Elizabeth

The Cost of Weddings

Andrew and I saw a blog post recently on how much Utah brides typically spend on their weddings. The majority of them, I noticed, were $5,000 or less. I was surprised to see how expensive it could get for other brides. Suddenly, I felt a whole lot better about my own wedding day.

You see, I didn't get the dress I wanted, and we couldn't afford the reception decor package that I originally wanted. I didn't have catering or matching bridesmaid dresses or a program with singing and dancing to make my reception more interesting for the guests.

Do I wish I could have been in the $1,000 dress that I really loved and looked incredibly flattering on me? Absolutely. Giving that dress up was one of the biggest regrets that I had about my wedding day.

Do I wish I hadn't been as bored at my own reception and planned a more fun event for myself and my guests? That would have been amazing!

Do I wish I could have gotten my best friends and family member in matching dresses and suits to make the pictures look classier? Yeah, a bit.

But, on the other hand, after seeing that post, my husband and I became curious about how much we spent on our wedding and it was SO validating when I realized that we did all of it for about $2,000 (it was just a little under $2,000). The dress, the rings, the honeymoon, the decor; all of it.

I am not saying this is the right way to go for every couple. If you have the money to get your dream dress, get the backdrop and location of your dreams, and so on, good for you! Enjoy your wonderful special day. But if you don't, then there's nothing wrong with starting off your newly married life not going into debt over the wedding. It turns out, you may have access to more for less than you realize. And if not, isn't marrying them the one thing that REALLY matters about the entire event more than anything else anyway?

The Hardest Thing I Never Thought I'd Face

When I was little, I loved playing with dolls or stuffed animals, and helping them achieve "happily ever afters". This involved meeting their prince charming, getting married, and having children together. Then I would continue the cycle with their children.

I grew up the second out of nine children. I quickly become the super responsible second mother of the household. During Junior High when my mother was on bed rest, I went and picked my youngest two siblings up from daycare every day after school for a while since my mom could not chase them around the house, go home, and run the household up to an extent. I managed the family garden, made the meals, and helped resolve my sibling's conflicts, who came to me saying "LIZA!!!" in the same tattle-telling tone a child normally calls "MOOM!!" I had a hard time connecting to the girls my own age, since I wasn't obsessed over boys, but I connected easily with my Young Women leaders and joined in easily and naturally during their conversations of parenthood.

When my mom had to go to Washington for her grandmother's funeral when I was in high school, I ran the house for an entire week. My dad wasn't home and my older brother was rarely home; it was just me. I learned to take a step into the other room, breathe, and then deal with fighting so that I didn't resort to screaming and spanking (which was very hard sometimes) and because of that, I grew very close to my youngest brother Andrew, who was struggling and taking it out aggressively.

Through it all, I always knew that I was going to be a mom someday. It was my biggest goal, my deepest dream, and I knew that I was going to be a stay at home mom. I had prepared my whole life for it and I wanted it more than I could say.

I met my "Prince Charming" - Andrew - and fell in love with him quickly and easily. We dated, he proposed, we married. I had received a LOT of advice from several people telling me to wait to have kids. That we should focus on our marriage relationship first, build it and strengthen it, and then have kids. "Wait a couple years," they recommended. And, not sure what I was doing, I decided that was probably a good idea. So I used birth control, and I focused just on our marriage, and it was fine. For a little while.

Before two months had even gone by, my husband and I were both prompted very strongly that we needed to start our family. We prayed about it, studied it out in our minds, and then took the answer to God in prayer, and it was confirmed again to both of us. So we stopped. I had been on birth control for less than two months, and I wish I could undo that. I wish we could have started trying from the get-go. Maybe then things would be different.

We were scared at first, yes. But we had faith, and we knew that we were doing what God wanted us to do. My mom never had any problems getting pregnant, so I assumed I never would either. I began studying, learning some things about "trying to conceive". Most couples, I learned, were pregnant within 6 months. As six months came and went, I clung to the next bit of information: the couples that weren't pregnant within 6 months were usually pregnant within a year. Year one came and went.

I became depressed and obsessed over it. I murmured, I complained, I cried. Within this time, I had used over 30 pregnancy tests, and all of them were negative. Those spiteful things, I was beginning to believe, were incapable of actually showing a positive result. A couple of times I was SURE that I was pregnant. Andrew and I got excited, called our moms, and then called back within the next two days when my period started in embarrassment and regret, having to admit to them and ourselves that we were wrong, I wasn't pregnant. The ammenorhea that I got really had me fooled, too. 3 Months without a period? What else could it be but pregnancy? Those tests were all wrong. But they weren't.

So I went in and started getting some tests done. Not very many. They checked my blood, they had me do an ultrasound, and they checked my blood again. "Nothing is wrong" they told me. "Everything looks good."

So today I went in to my Student Health Center, since it's cheaper and we don't have insurance right now. I'll be going back, but they finally gave it a name. Infertility. I am infertile. This doesn't mean I will never get pregnant, it just means I am not getting pregnant easily. Maybe I will be fertile in the future, but right now it just isn't happening.

And it's hard. And Andrew and I cry together, and we wish together, and we dream together. And my stage of being extremely baby hungry is fading away, because a part of me is beginning to lose hope that I will ever be pregnant. I drew a picture of myself pregnant once, just a doodle, when we had just started TTC. I could, at that time, completely imagine it. Those imaginations are hard to capture now.

Next Monday will be our two year anniversary. We laughed together about that, in a not so happy way. "I guess we waited two years after all."

I am learning to accept it, and I am trying to learn to hope again. This is the hardest thing that I never dreamed that I would have to face. People tell me, "You're so young! Don't worry about it, it will happen." Trying to make the problem seem smaller doesn't really help. I am young, that's true. I am in middle of the younger years when I'm supposed to be at my fertile peak. I've hit the age where I'm beginning to see more pregnancy announcements on Facebook than wedding announcements. Trying to make the problem seem like it isn't a big deal isn't going to help me. I don't want for you to pretend like the problem isn't there. What I want is people who love me anyway, who support me, who listen, who are willing to admit that they don't know how to help, but that they are here as my friend and they are rooting for me. To not feel questioned for wanting kids already, to not feel questioned on why we don't have kids already. What I want is to be accepted for who we are and what we're going through.

This may not be the happiest post, but it is an honest post, and it is something that we are facing and dealing with right now. I am not going to hide this struggle of ours. I am not waiting until later to have kids, I want kids badly. We used to be a little scared of the idea of me getting pregnant, because we weren't sure if we were ready, if we could afford it, or whatever. We aren't scared anymore. Not because we think we're ready, but because we both want it so badly now.

I have learned a lot from this trial. I will continue learning. And I am grateful beyond expression that I have a wonderful husband at my side that loves me no matter what, who is going through this WITH me, and that I have a God that loves me enough to let me learn about His timing and His plans for my life, my husband's life, and our future children's lives.

Andrew's Knack

So my husband, whom I love very dearly, is HORRIBLE at this whole being surprised by gifts thing. One way or another, he will inevitably find out what it is that I (or anyone else, for that matter, it seems) got him before he's supposed to. It isn't always his fault, but sometimes it is. This is not a one time thing, either. His mom actually warned me about this strange ability of his, because he was really good at not being surprised and finding out what he's getting before, too, all growing up.

Here are some examples that I have PERSONALLY have had with this odd ability of his:

We had been married for less than five months the first time it happened. For some reason, he had logged on to Amazon on my computer. Before I realized this, I put an ice cream maker in the cart to surprise him for his birthday, to get it a little early and have his mom hold on to it. When I realized I wasn't on my account, I logged off Andrew off, logged myself on, and purchased it. Andrew was later emailed about the ice cream maker that was still in his cart. Whoops.

I tried again our second Christmas together (last year). I was making desktop calendars for people for Christmas, and had gotten a deal that I could buy one get two free. So I decided I'd make one for my dad, one for my friend Katie, and one for Andrew. I told Andrew about the deal, and he said it wasn't worth it unless I had three people specifically in mind. I told him I did, and he asked who. Cornered, I had to admit that one of them was for him, that I'd been hoping to surprise him. He then realized what he had done and kind of felt bad.

So THEN I was going to surprise him with a 4 pound thing of Jelly Bellies (same Christmas). The surprise was well on its way to being perfect! Except that it got delivered to the wrong Post Office. When I told Andrew, I slipped and said "The Jelly Bellies..... I mean... the package was shipped to the wrong Post Office." Andrew started laughing really hard, especially since it wasn't his fault this time.

I was determined after that that I was going to surprise him. So this year for Easter, I decided to order a board game he had been wanting since before his mission (Dread Pirate). I told him that I had ordered something, and had it shipped to the PO Box, and that it was a surprise. At the same time, I ordered some hair trimmers to be delivered to the apartment. When the board game was delivered, Andrew picked it up and, forgetting about the surprise package and thinking it was the hair clippers, he opened the box to make carrying the trimmers home easier. And then called me sounding very, very guilty. I wasn't sure if I was more amused or flabbergasted.

Luckily, it IS possible to surprise him.

Like, when I bought him The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson and hid it in a drawer for over a month to surprise him for the actual day of Easter. It worked! He had no idea! I was thrilled :)

And, later on, when I got him "Steelheart" to celebrate the anniversary of his first day of work at Sewell (okay, I admit it. I had no idea it was the one year mark. It was supposed to be for Christmas, but then he mentioned the work thing and I was so excited about the gift for him that I gave it to him early haha).

And this year, for Christmas & our Anniversary, I hope to successfully surprise him again. Here's to hoping. Who knew surprising someone could be so easily complicated??

Couch Cushions & Super Gross Bugs DON'T Mix

Just last week our couch cushions became in need of some cleaning after having one of my younger siblings over that accidentally wet the couch while they were sleeping on it. Andrew had taken them and washed them and left them in the bathroom to drain & dry out, but they were beginning to smell a bit still. In response, Andrew suggested today that I take them outside, spray them down with a hose, and sprinkle baking soda on them then leave them out there and let them dry to help with the smell & let them dry out thoroughly.

Later when I went out to go put them outside, I decided that the front steps & just outside the front door could use some sweeping  up to make sure the ground beneath where the cushions were going to be was clean. In the process, I decided to move my plants in order to get behind them where I had seen some petals and spider webs and leaves that had been blown behind them. A horror awaited me behind those pots, however.

The petals and leaves that had begun decomposing a bit were MOVING. I couldn't hold back the shudder that came when I realized just what I was looking at - an insane number of bugs. Bugs began spreading out from the place the pot had been, and in horror I ran to go get shoes on to squish them with before any got inside the apartment. Pill bugs, earwigs, spiders, and beetles were everywhere, and it was DISGUSTING! Normally I am not one to get all girly when it comes to bugs, but the insane number of them struck a chord in me that brought out a killer instinct in me that I wasn't completely aware of before. Normally I am the kind of person to capture bugs and set them free outside, but I had gone from being a bug savior to being a bug demon of destruction.

Taking a break from my squishing frenzy, I ran into the house and hunted down our can of Raid. Much to my dismay, I realized that the Raid my husband had gotten only killed ants and cockroaches, but I decided it was worth trying to use anyway. I ran outside with my weapon of (hopefully) mass destruction and began spraying the bugs with a vengeance. A few began writhing and didn't seem to enjoy the poisonous spray, but most seemed completely oblivious to the fact that I was trying to kill them, wandering up to me without realizing that this meant they were going to be squished. Any bug that began escaping my killer Raid met the bottom of my shoe, and I was on a bug killing rampage. 

In middle of my horrified adrenaline inducing killing spree, a HUGE spider suddenly began charging at me from the flower pot.  I jumped and then acted quickly, squishing it just before it made its way past me into my apartment. After dousing the area again with raid, I continued my squishing spree and killed several ear wigs, including a few that I gave a merciful death with my shoe when I realized they were just slowly and painfully dying. Finally, I grabbed the broom & dustpan and dumped the rest of the leaves, petals, and bugs (whether dead or alive) all in a garbage bag and ran it to the dumpster. In a case of overkill, I then went inside, found a container of bleach, and doused the area, and then sprayed Raid around the doorway as a protective measure to try to keep any bugs from entering my abode.

Finally, hesitantly, I took the couch cushions out and sprinkled them in baking soda and hosed them down. Feeling gross from the bug incident and worried bugs would get inside the cushions, though, I ended up taking them to the driveway near the car to dry - I just couldn't leave them near where a drove of bugs had been crawling only minutes before.

So if anyone is wondering, this is why the flowers in the front are still out of place and there are couch cushions in my parking space and I took a bubble bath in middle of the day to get rid of the feeling of bugs crawling all over me.

In an odd sort of way, I kind of feel like a war-hero. Taking on a gross number of bugs can do that to you sometimes, I guess. Andrew seemed less than impressed when I tried telling him about it, though.